Fail Up

Learning From Past Mistakes

I have friends going through some tough relationship challenges right now, challenging friendships and toxic romances. One thing I keep hearing is a fear of failing, a fear of giving up on the relationship too soon while it's still viable. Fear of how others will judge them if they don't keep trying to make it work, if they fail once again to maintain a relationship. Some of them have even pointed to my past failed relationships and how people have talked about me. My response has been simple.

“Do you know how much people talking about my past relationships have affected me?” Then I hold up a big fat zero. Because it's true. People weighing in, behind my back, on me ending one relationship or beginning another relationship has never given me a moment of worry. Their opinions don't matter. All that matters is my opinion of myself, and my opinion of myself remains high because I always fail up. Every relationship has made me a better person and a better partner.

Nelson Mandela said “I never lose. I either win or I learn.” And that has been my take on relationships. That's what I mean by failing up. It's not a failure if I got something out of it, even if all I got out of that relationship was the ability to recognize that particular red flag or to identify a toxic trait within myself that needs to change.

There's a principle in business called “Fail Fast”. Fail fast is a business strategy that encourages trying new ideas and learning from mistakes quickly, cutting losses when something isn't working, and trying something else using what you learned from the previous failures to improve your business model. I like this principle, though I can’t say I have been the greatest at applying it. I often hang in there long past the point of diminishing returns due to some misplaced notion of loyalty or responsibility or stubbornness or romanticism. But, when I do decide to leave, I never look at myself as a failure. I just do my best to salvage the lesson and quickly move on.

I can’t say I initially go into relationships with that mentality. I don’t expect relationships to fail. I enter each relationship with the intention to make it work, and stick it out to the end. But I can also recognize when something isn't working and when it is beyond my ability to correct it on my own. That’s when I either seek outside help, or cut losses and take the lessons from that relationship to improve the next one. What I don’t do is stay in that bad relationship out of fear of what other motherfuckers will say about another relationship failing, or hesitate to start a new one due to that same fear. Fuck what other motherfuckers think. Wolves don’t lose sleep over the opinions of sheep, and every single motherfucker I know who has ever had anything negative to say about my relationships beginning or ending have had a checkered relationship history themselves littered with questionable choices. People in glass houses, as they say.

What failing fast encourages is taking risks without taking on all the baggage of feeling like a loser if you fail. Failure is a valuable learning experience. No risk. No reward. What failing fast also encourages is knowing when it's time to move on and not stick with relationships too far past their expiration dates. And, lastly, it allows me to look back at my past love relationships and not view them as failures. The fact that they didn’t last doesn't make them inherently bad. People change and relationships that served the wants and needs of one version of you or your partner may no longer serve the wants and needs of the new you or the new them. Sometimes relationships run their course and you have simply given all you could to it and learned all you could from it, and it's time to move on. That doesn't make that relationship, or you, a failure. It just means it's over.

Failing upwards isn't about celebrating mediocrity or lack of success, but rather about celebrating the growth that comes from failure, using those setbacks as valuable lessons for future success. I am a better person for every romantic relationship I have had. I am a better partner. I am a better man, and I ain’t done growing yet. My new partner has helped me learn so much, and grow so much. It has been like a relationship crash course, and I never would have been in a position to receive any of these new insights had it not been for my history, had it not been for all my past mistakes. Those errors formed the foundation that allowed me to be open-minded about trying new things, admitting areas of weakness, and changing many long held views and beliefs. My past failures are exactly what gives me confidence for the future. I have experienced so much, learned so much, grown so much. I have failed so much, but … I failed up.