Ignorant, not racist

I do not abide racists. Until recently, I would have considered this fact unassailable. I have probably knocked out more racists in my lifetime than Jack Daniels. Then, I heard my housemate had been accused of being a racist.

Now, the accusation is not without cause or merit. However, context is important, and I think it's also important to make a distinction between hate, ignorance, and willful ignorance. True racism as distinct from racial insensitivity or blindness. I am of the belief that racial hatred and stubborn, willful ignorance in matters of race, are equally heinous and inexcusable. If someone simply refuses to educate themselves or look at issues from more than their own myopic viewpoint, I put them in the same category as MAGA hat wearing, cross-burning, racists. If they have simply been isolated and not exposed to different races and cultures, I cut them a little slack. That brings me to my housemate.

He was let go from a job for using the n-word. He was repeating a conversation he overheard where a Black man was complaining about how dangerous the neighborhood was getting, “Niggas is killing each other”, and didn't omit the n-word. It was stupid, insensitive, and ignorant, and when I heard about it, I demanded an explanation. For context, my roommate is on the spectrum and doesn't always grasp nuances in language. Not an excuse.

He relayed to me the discussion, how it was overhead by coworkers, and how he was dragged into HR because of it. This incident happened nearly a year ago. So, I asked him what he had learned from it, if he understood why he should not use that word. His response was underwhelming and disappointing and I told him so. He’d had a year to educate himself and had not. His answer was, to say the least, self-centered, focusing on how he might be perceived by others for using that word, and the consequences he might incur, rather than the harm that word does to others. I told him he needed to educate himself and try again.

“That answer is inadequate and disappointing after having an entire year to sit with this and think about it. I want you to know, I'm not angry with you, and I don't think you're a racist, but you are ignorant. And, I cannot tolerate ignorance. I'm not going to do the work for you and explain why you shouldn't use that word. I want you to do some research on your own, and come back to me with a better response.”

Even though we live together, we don't see each other as often as you'd imagine. He works odd hours and I am always coming and going, so a couple weeks went by before we could talk again. When we did, he told me what he'd learned about the history of that word, what it means for a Whiite man to use it as opposed to a Black person, andthe hurt it continues to cause. Then, he apologized. I was satisfied. A month later, I heard he was still being ostracized by others, outside the POC community, for having used that word. That he was still being called a racist. Now, I got pissed, because that calls my integrity into question.

Calling my housemate a racist is calling me an Uncle Tom and a sellout for allowing him in my home, and I take serious umbrage with that. I dare say, I would consider that an ass-whooping level insult. His explanation, apology, and effort to re-educate himself was good enough for me, it should be good enough for anyone and everyone with significantly less melanin than me. One of the biggest errors our White liberal allies seem to consistently make is overreaching and overstepping. It isn't for you to lead the charge against racial injustice, but to follow our lead.

A couple years ago, a White couple won a BDSM title, International Master/slave. Immediately upon winning the title, they declared they would no longer use the terms “Master” and “slave” because they were insensitive and offensive to Black Americans who had suffered through chattel slavery. Some applauded them. I did not. Neither did the previous Master/slave title holders who happened to be a Black couple. It might have been nice for these well-meaning White allies to at least consult with the previous winners before taking this stand that called the racial loyalty and integrity of the previous title holders into question, as well as that of every other Black person in the BDSM Community who similarly identifies themselves with those honorifics. And that's how I feel about this. Before calling my housemate a racist or a bigot, it would be nice to check with me and ask my thoughts and opinions on it.

My housemate was ignorant and said something ignorant. He is not, nor has he ever been, a racist. We need to decide what our goal is in pointing out racist language and behavior. Is it to find opportunities to educate and enlighten, to be a catalyst for change? Or is it merely to punish? To indulge an opportunity to feel morally superior to another?

My housemate has met my mother, my sister, my daughter, my son and his fiance, and they all love him. He's damn-near family at this point. He has eaten at my table and sleeps a few yards from where I lay my head. Yes, he is on the spectrum. He is Neurodivergent, as am I, and doesn't always see the world the way others do. Neither do I. He has not spent a lot of time among Black folks until he moved in with me. He is learning, as we all are. He is the best housemate I could have asked for. And, he is my friend. So, if you are going to call him a racist, say it to my face.