Why I am Out

Kinky, polyamorous, and proud!

“If you ask me what I came to do in this world, I, an artist, will answer you: I am here to live out loud.”

―Émile Zola

Those of you who have been following me on social media for a while know I am open and honest about being both a kinkster and recently polyamorous. I post photos and stories of both my fiance and my girlfriend/ submissive. I bring them to conventions with me. Most recently, I attended Scares That Care with my girlfriend/ submissive while my fiancé stayed home in Thailand. Last year, they both joined me at KillerCon. There is BDSM content in many of my books and poems. There is simply no shame in my game. Some of you may wonder why I am so open. Some of you might ask why? Why do I put so much of my personal business out there? You might think it’s too much personal information. Some of you, like with my posts about politics, race, society, and culture, might wonder why I can’t just shut up and write. This is my answer to that.

The LGBTQIA+ community showed us decades ago that the only way to fight bigotry born of ignorance is through visibility and education. Silence = Death was about AIDS, but it was also about the high suicide rates, trauma, and emotional and mental health issues suffered by closeted gays who felt isolated, hated, and alone. Seeing more and more gay people come out of the closet, particularly famous celebrities, began to normalize it and destigmatize homosexuality and show young gay people that they were not alone. That they were not evil. That they were not freaks and abominations.

The same is true of non-monogamous and kinky folks. Many of us have faced discrimination, fear, and hatred born of ignorance. Many non-monogamous people remain closeted out of fear of judgment and exclusion from the dominant monogamous culture. We are called sluts, whores, dogs, hounds, etc. We are the butt of jokes and the victims of harsh judgment and criticism. Our relationships are trivialized as not as serious or committed as those of monogamous couples all because we have the capacity and desire to love more than one person at a time in a society that demands that every relationship follow the same heteronormative, monogamous structure.

The same is true of those of us in the BDSM community. Many of us have been told all our lives that we were freaks and perverts because we desire more intense experiences than the typical suck and fuck. Because a “wild” night, for us, is more than just our partners finally saying yes to anal or giving us our monthly or quarterly head. That “wild” sex for us might involve bondage, bruises, or even blood.

I came out as kinky because there is so much misinformation around BDSM that when my daughters found out I was in the BDSM community, even knowing me, their first thoughts, ideas, and impressions immediately went to non-consensual assault, domestic violence, and misogyny and they saw me as some sort of monster.

I came out as kinky because there is still so much misinformation around the subject that many people assume all power exchange or authority imbalanced relationships are patriarchal and involve the oppression of women when most of them have historically had no women involved at all. The entire Leather lifestyle began with gay men, evolved to include Lesbians, and really only in the last four decades did it include heterosexual couples. Many of the Dominant/ submissive couples I know are female-led with male or other female slaves.

I came out as kinky because so many people equate BDSM with domestic violence, rape, and physical and emotional abuse despite study after study proving that kinky folks are some of the most emotionally well-adjusted people — more emotionally well-adjusted than vanilla folks. Despite the fact that the BDSM community is decades ahead of the vanilla world when it comes to consent and negotiations. We have our issues, but rape and non consensual abuse (sexual or otherwise) is far less prevalent in BDSM dynamics than in vanilla relationships.

I came out as polyamorous because I was tired of trying and failing at monogamy. I was tired of being the butt of jokes about all the different women I have loved. I was tired of being dishonest. I came out as non-monogamous because there are so many people who, like me, didn’t even know polyamory was an option. So many struggle trying to be monogamous because they have been told all their lives that true love is exclusive and possessive, that jealousy is a normal and a healthy sign of love rather than a sign of insecurity. I came out as monogamous because so many, like me, thought there was something wrong with them because they would fall in love with more than one person at a time and had begun to hate themselves because they couldn’t love the same way as everyone else, with the same limitations and expectations.

I came out as kinky and poly because I was dying trying to be something I knew deep in my heart that I was not, and because I want other people like me to know they are not alone, that they are not broken or evil or wrong despite what their friends, family, culture or religion might have told them. I came out because honesty and authenticity makes me a better writer. It allows me to put more of my own lived experiences into my writing, which makes the characters and plots more realistic and multidimensional. I don’t hide who I am because monogamous vanilla couples don’t have to hide who they are. I post about my partners because my partners, and the love we share, is beautiful and deserves to be publicly celebrated. I came out because silence = death and to truly live, for me as a writer, is to live out loud.